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 The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"

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Raven
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Tue Aug 27, 2013 5:39 pm

Battle with the Shadow Weaver:

I like the tension (if a bit calm, the calm before the storm) at the beginning. And I love the reference to Fi not that anyone but me would know it.

But I will say, you are not quite clear that Link's reflection is indeed the sword. Yea Link is fighting his reflection, but you just start by calling his reflection 'the sword', which may be the form it chooses to take fighting Link but still, not obvious. The way of the words, I see it more like a Shadow Link then a Fi/Ghiraham spirit of the blade. Negate. i see it now, after a few minutes of confusion. But the fact the voice came from Shadow Weaver is still iffy, I would look that part over either way.

I like the fight, it's impressive, but the concept of overcoming the challenge felt rushed maybe.

Getting sword was very good: eerily calm like mentioned post battle. Now must you add another drawing I must do for my list?
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Tue Aug 27, 2013 5:42 pm

yea it wasnt the greatest ill try to make up for it in this next chapter
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:17 pm

I would be happy to tell you my history Master:

the shortness is good, I'm pleased by the length.
Exiting the ancient city just means I have to really finish my picture, which I will do anyway.

i like how the sword has a respectful smartmouth sense of humor. I can't say much, since it is so short. But I keep thinking 'TetraForce' during the one paragraph.
I miss Fi, I wish we could wake her.
When Link felt like he wasn't told anything, from not asking directly, I had to take a second to go back and figure out what was missing, the sword said plenty.
Then I figured out, the ancient tribe, 'Umbra' has the inverted Triforce, the sword probably knows Majora, made from some extra reason with that section of the story.

Either way, quite interesting. I'm glad Link took that minute to think of the world of light, earlier I did wonder if you were ever gonna mention it again lol
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:52 am

Four Horses:
I would very much like the visit the Twilight Palace's library *dreams*

Very humourous, Griffin did accept training from Link *starts playing the dawn sequence on the piano*

4 horses all at once with out saddles: Link you dare-devil.

Horses: even before reading the Norse Mythology (thinking I'm remembering right lol) the fact there's four horses with the chosen colors made me think Four Swords, but the Twilight version. Then of course, beware the horsey after you read every nasty thing they could do with you.

(Raven must fis errors caused by an excitingly typing Vir)

Breaking grounds:  Insert Get off of my Back here. (or the revised Epona's song in Kakariko Village from the game)

During show I doubled checked who was who, I noticed you have 2 black horses. I'm assuming Death is definately black so wouldn't Pestilence be the white one? (red War and gray Famine were in there)

Ah the grass whistle, such shows the power of music. such an epic section, that includes a bit of the fluffy form too!

I like the system of the contract, the form of how the blood is given and that each corner involves the actual four swords colors.

"Thank you for the opportunity. Honestly I wasn't even sure I could do it." said Link scratching the back of his head. - good body language of him being shy/modest.

"You really are a crazy fool sometimes." said Midna - *presses 'Like' button* :-D

Congratulations!
You redeemed yourself as a writer!
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:10 pm

The flames were actually a reference to OoT but im glad you like it. I dont remember there being two black ones. The colors should be Black, Brown, Red, and Pale Gray.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Aug 30, 2013 2:15 pm

Fixed the horse colors
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:14 am

Link! you're so stunningly courageous! Great, can we eat now? let's go get some. lol

Haha. shock wave. Go Fi!

~~

The evening was very sweet.

~~
Okay, horse summoning is pretty cool. I want to see Famine's and Pestilence's now. Fire and Shadow circles....sweet... want to photoshop pics of it...

Oooo temple! With glowy eye. *thinks Sheikah*

markings toward a hole? hmm...*stabs with sword* oh look! a light show! many cool patterns.

Coolness, we can enter the world of Light again!

Though that paragraph had 3 spots I think could've used an alternative word here and there. but Great Chapter none the less. *claps proudly*
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:19 am

I'm surprised you didnt go "FINALLY" lol
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Mon Sep 02, 2013 12:11 pm

This newest chapter is short I know but it will be used to set up some of the later story elements.
I apologize for the shortness but it is necessary right now. Plus its early afternoon I dont have my usual drive until the night time.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:13 am

I'm sorry it's taken so long to read this one. But as Link and Midna travel through the building, I'm just wondering where they possibly could've come out, thinking of many options at once.

We're on a mountain! (outside of Hyrule) We might need a portal up here...
Crititque: this paragraph has "very far away" twice in it. too repetative, change please.

*warp*
"You there! Stop!" lol clothing confusion Very Happy

Weird person walking through the city with a trusted widely known person, seems like a parallel.

Scaring Zelda...you little demons you.

[strike]Any reader will know that they love each other from previous chapters, but I don't see a clear reason, maybe just the wording, for Zelda to make that comment. I would expect the comment like that, but there doesn't seem to be a legit action that would cause that thought./strike]

They're waiting til dark? Do the Twilian runes glow at night or twilight? That would be very interesting.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Sep 11, 2013 1:00 pm

Entering the structure:

*cheers* Instinct right for the walls glow at night/dusk.

*reads* mist in the center, legs and arms form. *skims paragraph excitedly, seeing Cave of Ordeals*
Yes! Yes! Great Fairy! Great Fairy! Actually a lesser Great Fairy, as the first one is the older sister ... but Fairy!! :3
Wait *actually reads it* I'm stupid for getting over excited for the fairy. I missed too many great details. Tael will be drawn too. but much later. Anyhoo...
Ingenious! Tatl and Tael. Makes a wonderful concept. And the references...

The fact OoT Link is moved by Tael, it could make me cry T_T

Navi?
Mother of Tatl and Tael, wonderful idea, that's really good.
But I'm questioning myself, where does Link get the idea of asking him about Navi? You didn't mention the Hero of Time bringing her up, but I don't remember where Link might have heard her name.

"It means that you have a sudden urge to blow up the wall and explore deeper inside of this building." said Midna rolling her eyes.
"Yep." said Link already arming one of the bombs from his pouch.

XD *thumbs up*

"The corridor continued to slope downwards more and more until it came to a curve where it doubled back on itself and continued downwards." Raven's visually confused xD sorry lol

the platform...make of list of every place I need to draw. Add that location to it.

Legend of Majora: the ancient tribe with a dark past and heavy secrets.  I love how the runes work.
Reading it, a wave of calmness as understanding commences.

The Sapping Fields, feel like they 'just go silent' seems a little like a let down.
Also surprised Midna doesn't hate herself more for releasing the demon.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Sep 11, 2013 3:44 pm

Lol Link just knows since the hero of time is in his mind or instinct. Ill explain that later. by quiet i meant the wind. The sapping fields are far above so we don know what has happened there yet.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Sep 15, 2013 12:31 am

The 'up the corridor' followed by clumsy laughter I like, just I didn't have an as clear mental image as I normally do.

I like the magically reverted forest. It seems really cool.

No typos but in constructive critiquing: 1) You have a day/night system in the Twilight Realm, isn't supposed to be a place of eternal dusk? Was it ever explained well? 2) I've noticed again some of the ways you're speaking, well the word choices of the characters.
Explanation and examples here:
 

*reads the warping into palace* Brigham? How'd you come up with that name? I probably have to draw him too don't I?
Oh, Twilight Festival, so that's how you decided to incorporate it.

Yes, servants, get used to the idea of an outsider having access to everything lol.

On the the gala!
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Sep 18, 2013 3:09 pm

Remember I'm still new to story writing. This is actually my first crack at it so be patient. I hope to start another chapter tonight and if I dont. I have no idea when I will.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:23 pm

Festival Preparations

Ugh....stupid prejudice councilmen. Ooouuu *sees incorrect punctuation* will fix after :3

Consulting a festival at meeting ?:/ Majora's Mask much xD

Would 'Luhna' or 'Lunah' be better options then just 'Luna'? I feel like Luna would work better as a Twilian goddess or something than province. I think I'm fine with Nocturne and Lupus (aside that you're running out of dark themed words)

I like Midna losing her temper at the council, I just think they could've been worse or was brought up to harp on Link once more beforehand.

Why do I make the Midna Link comparisons with Raisa and Han? lol

Afternoon nap seems like a good idea. I'll add two commas and applaud you sir.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:36 am

Yea I might change it to Lunah. And maybe because Han is the personal guard of Raisa at points in the story.
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Tue Sep 24, 2013 9:27 am

Link's Awakening From a Nightmare       lol

Majora's Nightmare, so well written, detailed but not gruesome (in terms of how horrible it actually is but a reader can still keep a stomach)

I am pleased and saddened by the smack.

Perhaps the ~~~~~ could be used to break up the sword training section, since it is a change in time?

Luckily I don't really see any content or grammar mistakes. Okay, yes I saw three small ones, but that's why you got an editor ;-)

Sealing the palace is kinda cool, I like how Midna's seal is a visible aura, then it fades back.

Onward to the festival! lol
The horses were a nice touch I'll admit. Almost forgot those exist.
Ironically, since Midna rides Death, Link riding War, a fire horse, is (reminding me of the movie :-P) similar to my pokemon Zelda pics for trainer Link had a Ponyta.
Just a reminder in case you forgot:
 
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Tue Sep 24, 2013 2:25 pm

Well im glad you liked the chapter. Yea the nightmare was my favorite part of that i have to admit. Perhaps they are more than just 'nightmares' though
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:49 pm

I know the chapter is short but right now it is necessary for the future chapters
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:00 am

To the festival!

Yay festival!
I like the idea of the provinces and some names

You got 100 rupees! Very Happy

Editor found typo to be fixed lol

Training sounded like fun.

Being tested sounds like more fun.
Challenge accepted (you'll have fun writing that fight I'm sure)

"Prepare yourself." I just hear Ike's voice, taunting in Smash Bros lol

ah short sweet, and a cliff hanger. huzzah!
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:04 pm

Lol. You like it :-)
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:33 pm

Woot! new chapter is up. I am thoroughly pleased with this one. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Oct 02, 2013 1:35 pm

"I'm going to test your skills. Prepare yourself."

I like the laying out the dueling field.

~~~~

This is one of the first chapters I decided to actually read through all the way before commenting.

It's so fast paced and you were thinking of the moves well. Attack. Block. Attack. Parry. Block.
A few times it was hard to read, I don't know if it was from the adrenaline or from me not reading well and accidentally skipping lines but yea. I know you put a 'and' instead of 'an' somewhere in there, but I remember somewhere around the foot stomping by Link was a three word typo somewhere in the middle of that paragraph. I would fix it but I'm not sure (right now) where it is and I couldn't totally figure out what you were literally saying (I understood the scene fine) so I'll have you look into it first.

Ok *breathes now that fight is over* No need to sweat anymore. And I agree, you should be proud of this chapter.
I wanna see the new one tonight Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:11 pm

Yea sometimes I type to fast and dont realize there are errors even though i check it with spell check :-\
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PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:26 pm

I may move my story to fanfiction and here as well. But in order to do that I'll need a name for the story.
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