USARoleplayers
Hello! To log in, type in your username and password.
If you do not have an account, why not register?
Just read the forum guidelines first before signing up to a whole world of creative amusement!

USARoleplayers is about bringing people together through their creativity and writing skills. It doesn't matter what you like, all sorts of roleplays are welcome on here. Roleplays allow the opportunity to meet new people and you might even discover something new yourself as words can be used to express our life. We welcome all sorts of creative minds here, no matter if you are a novice writer or an experienced one. There are many people here who are able to help you improve sentence structure, character development, and word choice. But most importantly, roleplaying is about having fun and connecting with others.


All the Roleplaying Possibilities are Up to You!
 
HomeHome  PortalPortal  RegisterRegister  Log inLog in  
Log in
Username:
Password:
Log in automatically: 
:: I forgot my password
Who is online?
In total there is 1 user online :: 0 Registered, 0 Hidden and 1 Guest

None

Most users ever online was 36 on Wed Dec 18, 2013 10:04 am
Search
 
 

Display results as :
 
Rechercher Advanced Search
Latest topics
» Kingdom Hearts: Reflections
by Swampurtz Fri Nov 30, 2018 10:44 pm

» Kingdom Hearts: Reflections (Discussion)
by Swampurtz Tue Nov 27, 2018 10:40 pm

» Holiday Happenins
by Cat Sat Nov 03, 2018 9:49 pm

» Star Guardians Reference
by Raven Wed Sep 06, 2017 2:22 pm

» The Star Guardians: A terrible fanfic by someone who doesn't even play league
by Cat Fri Aug 25, 2017 1:57 pm

» Here, the Sun Rises
by Raven Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:22 pm

» Gamble & Prosper
by DuskCorruption Fri Dec 30, 2016 11:08 pm

» Gamble & Prosper RP Discussion
by Raven Thu Dec 15, 2016 12:20 pm

» Fairy Tail: The 7 temples
by Cat Wed Nov 02, 2016 6:23 pm

» Monthly News - October 2016
by Seek Fri Oct 07, 2016 4:29 pm

Check out our Affilates!




Share | 
 

 The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"

Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
AuthorMessage
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Oct 02, 2013 5:59 pm

I know that this chapter is painfully short but I am getting a small amount of writers block right now.
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:12 pm

Arriving at Canis


Griffin gets some character growth. Wonderful. He should prove to be a strong secondary story arc. Though isn't it true this is the first time you mention he's an orphan? Very nice.

Honestly the shortness is okay. We're just getting to the city. Which is a nice detail of reinforcing Link's experience in the light realm with the reality of the twilight realm where he's traveling in now.

I got lost slightly when reading where everyone's sleeping, but that could've been easily my fault. Maybe it was a word somewhere in that section that threw me off. *shrug*

The fourth last paragraph (counting the fact the last one is a single sentence) has I believe a few too many "actually"s that it's a tad repetitive. So can you reword it slightly so it's not as stagnant?

Lol 'pompous jerk', I'm excited to meet this cousin of Midna's.

Overall I'm please Smile
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:14 pm

Since your debating on whether or not to fanfic it, I could but probably would be unable to help you with a name; that's kinda something you need to be inspired to do yourself

BUT if you do put it up, you could probably use the title thingies I put at the beginning of each review post as your chapter titles Very Happy
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Oct 02, 2013 8:15 pm

yea possibly. Ill check the last chapter. I just feel that if I really want to write this story as good as I can. I need the reviews of the many not just the few.
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:30 am

Canis Linkus: :-D   or
Solomon

I'm enjoying the tour of the city.
The circle paragraph needs some commas or the periods moved around because I had to reread to avoid confusion b/c it's worded fine but the rhythm of reading with/without pauses is off.

I thought of mentioning "why do you only say man from the realm of light? why not light walker?"
You put it in right afterwards anyway ^_^

So... this is kinda the first time with the comments said you explain why the Twilians would be prejudice against one from the Light Realm, because before most of the time the comments said "why is he here, he's different, go away" now it shows "His kind exiled us and we have suffered (not really as they're much more peaceful except for Zant appearing) so we shall shun him".
PAUSE::
 

"This is my cousin. His name is Solomon." said Midna tiredly.
When I got to here I pretty much just burst out laughing. Just saying

Another thing, Midna is what queen of the TR? How is it she has a cousin sorta on the throne of a province or something? Does everyone in the family get some sort of seat and the current ruler of all the land chooses his/her successor? because Zant wasn't pleased that he wasn't picked to come onto the throne, so how else does that detail fit to Solomon and the rest of the family? Unless Zant tried killing a few...being crazy and ultra powerful at the time I don't see why he necessarily wouldn't ...   ... just a thought...

Yay fight the pompous jerk! (but why would Link say something bad about a guy his relative said around his back or admit something bad was said and they, well Midna more, want to avoid trouble?)

Pause: AGAIN:
 

I like the tradition of exchanging names and origins of birth.
For a quicker fight (which is good compared to the last long one with Griffin) it is well performed.
Question which may require editing: When Link is smiling, Midna smiles. Which 'group' is it that is questioning why she would think to smile now? the crowd watching or the royal company of Evander/Vincent/Rosalie/Griffin/Jonas?

Epic Pinwheel Sailing Kick!
I like how the leader of the Lupus province tries to still be strong for the crowd and such, but going from kick to "you are good and have earned my respect" was not a good cool down or something. I'm disappointed. I feel a half sentence of "Solomon kept his regal appearance for the citizens, yet Link could notice he was in worse pain than was portraying" kinda thing, just to make that 2 sentence paragraph a little better. You mention the damage damage later, but it feels like we want to know how bad was it now. You catch my drift?

Okay two points for the Rosalie and Vincent part. 1 for the girls won't get how guys work joke and 2 for those two have been very quiet and we don't want to forget about them and you didn't.

And your final point of double foreshadowing: oh yes we will have a fine festival and much goodies to consume and being merry. Of course we will have all that, but remember that the thing that wants to destroy everything? Yea it's still there. Still waiting patiently to bring down the moon. But don't worry, there will be a very merry festival first and enjoy it with the Twilight Spectacular Spectacle and Link and every other wonderful thing. You haven't met with a terrible fate yet. [Insert Happy Mask Salesman smile]

Raven just might be enjoying this chapter a little too much...maybe... lol
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Fri Oct 11, 2013 2:23 pm

Ill go back and edit some of it later. And as for the main enemy you'll have to wait and see.
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:17 am

Sorry but unfortunately due to time being in little amounts for me right now. The next chapter will be delayed several more days.
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Oct 13, 2013 10:40 pm

That's okay, I rather you make an awesome chapter later than push to get something written now and it hurts your story in the long run.

Also, one of the days this weekend while working, my mind thought of an alternative name. Since you said you might change it. But I thought of The Legend of Zelda: Approaching Dusk.
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Mon Oct 14, 2013 2:35 pm

Well it seems good but I'd need something to fit the story more if you think of something that works better let me know.
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:32 pm

Opening Ceremony

Basic. Short indeed, but I did enjoy it. I want to edit some run on sentences but its works fine. I like the cloak idea.

Link's speech was humble and fitting. I like the how you were listening to me. Good representation of Link. Though I need to do some editing for you, I'm finding a few bits of grammar problems.
They're tiny, no worries.

But I'm really happy I don't have to fix anything in the grieving area. That was so well written it is tear bringing. [color:fded=000044]I won't lie, I watered some I think the small chapter works very well for it. Though if you did it like the style on fanfic, you maybe could combine a few small chapters with setting breaks if you wanted. In the future.


Also, I'll be rambling off possible names whenever I come up with them. whether or not they're good. Because it's harder with MM making an appearance. You can't do anything with Majora in the name because that would ruin some suspense and mess up the assumed location in the timeline, being post-Twilight Princess. I also think a neutral name would work better, like the Chance and Silent Kingdom fan-fictions.

Though for a name, Approaching Dusk,Twilight Demon and Reoccurring Dusk/Twilight I kinda like. Very Happy
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sat Oct 19, 2013 3:48 pm

Lol thanks. As for the names well yes Majora would not work at all since there are other things waiting in the dark >:-) Boy oh boy do I have plans for this story
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:47 pm

The Twilight Festval

The first part is so well written, no kidding. Much emotion and excellent word choice. I'm glad we get to hear from the eleven kids. I kinda only wish we heard from more than just the eldest (excluding synchronized "We don't")

The ball comment, I'm slightly confused on if it already happened or if Link's going shopping to surprise her at the ball. The time of the Ball wasn't clear. I better see a Midna in a gorgeous gown and Link reluctantly wearing a strikingly handsome outfit

I like Link's "perhaps" from the "for her Highness" comment :-)

I can't say much of anything to the last bit. Only that I'm happy and excited. *small squeal*

Oh and no typos, woohoo ^_^
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:38 am

A Proposition

Interesting choice in this Charlotte. Name and design. and direction.
Charles and Charlotte? Really? lol.

Dark Royal Blue would look quite handsome.
Ah... This must be the people fitting him for the Gala yes? *reads along* yup!

I laugh and agree with Charles joke. the one about Link making any women weak
Extra thought right here.:
 
i have a couple mechanical editing to do right here, forgot a quotation, 'my boy'.

Ah, the setting Twilight (facing the castle). Which reminds me, the TR is supposed to be perpetual twilight, I was going to check if you ever explained how there's a day/night cycle in it.

Link started his response twice with "oh" (don't bother fixing, source for my following claim) I know he smiles toward the end, but I'm so glad Link would be good with a poker face because I can see him trying not to look suspicious while knowing some nice surprises for Midna.
And my thoughts sounded better with grammar clarity than what I just wrote. oh well.
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Oct 27, 2013 9:21 am

I guess you'll have to wait and see what comes next.
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:56 pm

The Day of the Gala

Twilight Sun and Moon: *shakes head* No matter what, you always take the time to answer my concept questions. Though the actual sentence of Link just thought of this needs to be broken down into two somehow lol

Midna: Us women spend all day getting ready for the ball "while the men do whatever it is they do" lol!

Nice little morning surprise there eh heh >:-)

Now the castle layout, very nice and organized. Only 1 non-capitalized Link hidden in it. Kinda reminds me of a castle I once saw built within minecraft by a close friend of mine.

I want library. Give me. and a sofa with reading light. [Insert Raven signature signature]

Link finds lost book. omg puzzle references *victory sign* and of course,
he gets lost in his book, loses track of time; you can tell he isn't the Hero of Time lol. At least he has his lupine speed.

A gorgeous navy blue, simply divine. purrs slightly Except, I MUST add that to my list of drawings. *beware-of-my-plans look*

Ah, ze butler, 'e makes ze most stunning of announzers. Zese 'as been a fine chapter indeed.

Your contents getting better ;-)


Hey! Listen!:
 

Also, this is a bonus: correlates to what's going on recently:
 
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Tue Oct 29, 2013 6:44 am

I'm glad you like the chapter and I have seen those rings before lol.
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Tue Oct 29, 2013 1:10 pm

By the goddesses! Just when I think I found something cool, if it's Zelda you've already seen. Why do I even try?
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Mon Nov 04, 2013 11:44 pm

The Gala

I feel chills anticipating everything that follows the 1st paragraph. and there is the second chill as we introduce shortly a support character who will make an appearance later.

Okay, I am pleased at Midna's outfit (though I'm being a girl and internally demanding more details). Also, i know you're writing it well, but you put "eternal" both before her description and after, it loses effect with the two. Edit that please.

Ah "my lord and lady", very nice; though I wonder how much she scales over him with the shoes.

A divine speech Sir (Vir). Huzzah to our hero Link.

Fabulous touch making Midna lose her royal demeanor as soon as cousin leaves, checking Link out lol
and yes, his hair is marvelous ;-)

Room layout looks good (slightly confused why there's no mention of tables but whatever (of where people eat, not the serving ones))

haha *nudge nudge*

Ah, (a hint hint of mustache man) tales of home. I still think Link should visit annually.
But drinking game I gotta see. Heheh "Twilight Beer Pong" Very Happy (too fancy for that)

"do you know how to dance?" ha. busted xD Midna's reaction though - totally legit *girl approves*

Insertion: I'm curious why you wrote Charles' nickname for Link as with single quotes, been for a while. 'my boy' could be made into My Boy. I'm still contemplating which style is more pleasing
Charlotte has the V neck and completely bare leg. Is every female Twilian dressed trampy at this thing? Either way I need to draw them so I can know your image and see if I need to correct your fashion terms.
This is where I finished my copy paste when it didn't save. so Ill do the rest from memory in the morning. *sob* I wished I could've kept my true reactions. Night

Ah, their first dance. So special, so romantic.

Part 2 The dance continues
Let's see how much Raven remembers from last night!

Insertion: I'm starting to grow curious on the differences between light and twilight instruments lol.


Okay I so knew that Link would be dancing with Charlotte when Midna was with mystery man.
Good protective angry Link. Beware the feral beast inside, he preys. both last night and now I couldn't type beast lol

The first quote by the man was perfectly ominous. Don't remember the other thing I was going to say about him. But I do remember that I liked how the maze works as a really strong transition from party to pool; it's a transition that has the right length to it too (remember some previous places where you rushed it and transitions could've been slightly longer or otherwise better executed)

Moon vision, i like, just wish you included its vicious red eyes :3

Ending was perfect creepy ominous etc, whatever else I said about it. Don't remember. It was something about MM and stuff. But you made good cliff hanger :-)
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Nov 06, 2013 6:42 am

Well Im glad you liked the short chapter and the one before it. So far the ball has been my best chapter personally I think.
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Nov 06, 2013 10:44 am

Yep, it is a very strong chapter. The only other possibility for your 'best' chapter might have been right around Link saving the Twilight Realm again, one of those awesome fights. But you weren't really developed as a writer while here you are knowing more how it works and that makes it better.
There are some stronger chapters, like the fight with Jonas originally and a few others but no, this one probably is the best (yet anyway lol)
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Wed Nov 06, 2013 12:29 pm

And there is only better chapters to come
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sun Nov 10, 2013 12:20 am

Day of the Tournament

Just a fair warning, by the end of this, there's a chance that Raven maybe
just might have spent a little too much time at the Milk Bar, ...you'll see... xD


I edited in an apostrophe and removed two words that were simply unneeded abundance.
The end of the dance is fine content wise and tone and all that. Personally I'd prefer it if while they were talking in the middle, at one point or another you added an extra phrase  to show their body movement or facial expression or something (so and so said as doing something/with a blank expres​sion(raised eyebrow) kinda thing). I know its a short part, and the conversation the focus but I felt off somehow and I know my mental movie image was slightly blocked. You get what I mean right?

Link and Midna's morning was cute.  <3

I love how Midna makes it so obvious how Link will demolish every opponent in the tournament. Hilarious.
Only critique is Link says comment (leaving the table) then Midna immediately starts talking, at first I thought she was still talking with Link whom was merely standing and not Solomon.

*Remind me I want to go back and proofread all the punctuation and such of your chapters, I there should be several I missed*

Hmm (thoughts while preparing for tournament) Light realm resident, great swordsman, attractive, true hero, strategic, and virtually no armor; can his victory be any that much more epic xD

Round 1: really no armor? *shrugs* so funny XD

The fight was not the direction I initially envisioned it. However, it still exceeded my expectations. I can tell you've had a history in strategic fighting, the kind that would upheld Link's style.  I like Link showing his sportsmanship by the way.

Actually, started out with sheathing sword and standing still. Me, being a veteran to the franchise, starting thinking Mortal Draw (also unfair move used for entertaining purposes in that 1 fanfic we've read, Chance maybe) but you tricked me with a different technique that was effective for both winning the round and pleasing to the reader. So congrats, you earned 20 rupees!


Press A - Open:
 

for future editing purposes, I caught 2 forgotten periods, 2 places where there was an extra space and i know i saw an apostrophe needed in the second half of the chapter. Don't remember exactly where xD

Lastly, i will be anticipating Griffin's divine match in the near future 'Gentleman-san'
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Mon Nov 11, 2013 8:31 pm

The Pupil Shines (Griffin's First Round)

Starts off nicely. Flashback style works just fine. I do like how Solomon is being like an encouraging mentor to Griffin right here. It fits quite nicely.

The insert of the friends in the stands is very smart and you have a hint of everyone's personality in their quick line. I kinda wish it was slightly longer but I always wish the support cast has plenty of screen time. Maybe after Vincent's comment I feel like 2 of the others could nod in agreement of similar thinking or something, but don't think too hard on it.

Lol at Griffin first seeing the crowd in the arena; friends and mentor staring at him intently No pressure pupil.

I don't know if the rest of Midna's group will notice, but I certainly see a hint of Link coming out in his student.

Angry opponent I do not like as much, he does not show good sportsmanship (meaning you wrote that implication correctly) but at least he took the hand the second time.

Okay technically, Griffin did something cool to win. I read it, twice. You didn't put in run on sentences or nothing, so either I don't understand complex battles as well as I thought or you phrased something here and there awkwardly.

Aaawww, I love seeing a proud teacher of his student. Very nice.

And the last two paragraphs are double foreshadowing, the first for hey, this means Link most likely will be asking Griffin for help later and the second for you building up for what will be a not-so-nice and probably slightly disturbing dream for Link :3
Back to top Go down
Vir Honestus
RP Laureate
RP Laureate
avatar

Posts : 226
Likes : 4
Join date : 2013-06-12
Location : The castle library with an ancient text.
Trophies : Let's Post! 3rd Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Mon Nov 11, 2013 8:50 pm

I'm glad you like it and it should be getting better from here on. I'll soon be able to implement my ideas from several months ago with the original story
Back to top Go down
Raven
Administrator
Administrator
avatar

Posts : 713
Likes : 17
Join date : 2013-02-11
Location : I am in the forest walking around...
Humor : They told me I was supposed to act 'normal', ha! good one.
Trophies : Let's Post! 1st Place

Roleplay Characters
Roleplay1:
Roleplay2:
Roleplay3:

PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   Sat Nov 16, 2013 7:21 pm

Linking Round Two

Dream sequence: kiyaa I know who you're describing xD [insert his laugh]


Okay cool, we get a sneak peek of the prize. Link saw it few days ago. Did he really see it or was it something within a dream of his? I don't remember.

It is interesting that Midna makes it clear she is concerned with the prizes magic. Though it's amusing they immediately assume Link won, like there is absolutely no doubt otherwise.
"seems about right"

The inclusion of Evander is good, it provides a possible story arc later.

Lol relax Evander, you're chair needs not a death grip; Griffin has improved farther than you know.

As the numbers dwindle I hear the SSB sound effect of the crowd cheering "Link"

Link then drew both blades one shinning silver and the other glistening black
This is a very, very well written sentence ... that needs a semicolon after blades ^_^

Link now fighting with 2 swords: awesome. Link's opponent earning a point against him: hair pulling frustrating tension. Link making a marvelous final score: sweetness

Female opponent works. Teaches Griffin a lesson and I don't think he'd be ready to face Link quite yet again. Especially being so worn out.

Okay in the last leg of it.  Evander warns Griffin of them being actual blades. If you wish to separate his spoken words like you did, you should include a comment of Griffin between there. I see something like him making his face show some semi-negative emotion.
Semi since he's still really happy and full of adrenaline and I can't think of what it would actually be. And for Evander's second comment, him speaking you can trade the "'who was' smiling proudly" for "said Evander, smiling proudly"

They wanted to show the crowd that Link is not as strong as they think he is. For them this is a terrible mistake. I honest to the goddesses can't stop laughing at this.  *unable to speak, so claps 'good job' instead*
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"   

Back to top Go down
 
The Legend of Zelda: Return to Twilight "Discussion"
Back to top 
Page 3 of 4Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
 Similar topics
-
» The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Review
» Azumanga Daioh Discussion
» Burst Angel Discussion
» Tokyo Mew Mew Discussion
» Will Davros ever return?

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
USARoleplayers :: Administration :: Reminiscence Room :: Old Discussions :: Stories and Poetry Discussions-
Jump to: