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Vir Honestus
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PostSubject: Currently unnamed discussion area   Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:37 pm

figured I'd make this for any and all reviews that people would like to leave.
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Fri Dec 06, 2013 9:52 am

Meaning me xD

let's see...

A currently untitled beginning ;-)

This is certainly an interesting start. I kinda wish you had little more of what's going on while he's running. It just says (alot) that he's just running, still running like crazy through the castle. The only part of where in the castle is when you mention the staircase. i have some inferences, but is he running in the servants' corridors, the main ones? Yea he stole something important but where would he wander to try to lose the guards?

What a great friend Ralph is? just watching his bud try to not get killed. I like the names so far though.

The tower top kinda reminds me of the Hyrule Castle wolf Link portions ^_^
~Up on the roof top, canine paws; jumps out guardsmen without pause~

I feel like it's a little early to have the riffraff and her highness meet, but I still like what you did.

Hmm... Rooftop Run. I feel like you'd think royalty would be smart enough to hire some specialized guards who were capable of continuing chases over the roof by now ?:/

"She was rather beautiful"? Surely the guy could say something more than just that.

Now why would Selena question herself on why she would recognize the boy? ... mmm... I'll be patient and just have to see what you decide to do ^_^

I dont like "The scarf was gold and belonged to the leader of the family". I've heard 'belong' to many times in context. I'd prefer usage of gilded or something and that it reflected in the fireplace; but more that 'symbolized highest in power, the leader of the family'. Kinda. You know?

Nice start though.
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Vir Honestus
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Fri Dec 06, 2013 2:30 pm


Well the reader is supposed to be as confused as Edwin is about running in a place they have never been before. Dont worry though you'll get the layout soon enough. I did go back and alter a few places so that they flowed better.
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PostSubject: Cats Wonderful Commentary    Fri Dec 06, 2013 6:28 pm

Grammar Stuff - You might dislike how much I found but I will give it anyways! c:


Vir Honestus wrote:
Why Edwin had accepted the challenge he did not know; but there he was running like a mad man trying to escape, and he had never even set foot in the throne room.
Adding punctuation like that would make that sentence easier to read.

Vir Honestus wrote:
He knew that the king had hired mages to defend his castle as well as the city guard.
 My concern here is guard - did you mean guards? or city grounds?

Vir Honestus wrote:
"How high does this thing go?!"
I feel like an question mark needs to be there, since he's asking a question and shouting at the same time.

Vir Honestus wrote:
"Who are you and just what are you doing here?!" asked a frightened girls voice.
Again, it is correct to have both. I feel like she'd be shouting this if she was truly 'frightened'.




Commentary Stuff
Like Raven said, I agree with the 'running alot' part; you could have done more than that.

Vir Honestus wrote:
Leaving the orphanage at the young age of eight Edwin joined a thief family or most of the common people would call it a gang but to Edwin they were his family, they accepted him with open arms and trained him to pick pockets, climb into windows of empty houses and draw attention away from a member who was in the middle of a job.
I wish we knew more about why he left the orphanage besides the fact that it sucks. I hope we learn how/why this family takes him in etc.

So now for the positive stuff...
It was very exciting! This kid just keeps moving, and the reader is anticipating whether or not he's going to get caught or not. Stealing the King's crown is quite a feat; it's interesting to see how people will react to his actions in the future. Also, I like how he likes Selena, and I can see some character development because of their brief meeting.
I also really like the scarf idea, I think it's creative and cute! I'd love to have a pink scarf to say that I am an amazing cat <3
Keep going with this one, I'm looking forward to it! cat
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sat Dec 07, 2013 8:07 am

Thank you Cat. In terms of punctuation I do need more work. (I'll edit it later)

With the mages and city guard. It is supposed to be just 'guard' since you can refer to the cities defense force as a whole so it would be like the 'castle guard' or 'military police' in common day terms.

With the running. It is supposed to feel sort of confusing to the reader since he has no idea where he is.

And yes the reasons why he left and his place in the thief family will be revealed in the story.
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sun Dec 08, 2013 1:41 pm

I like it so far! The scarves are a creative idea. Other than the occasional grammar and spelling mistakes (like "or raged" should be "of ragged") but that seems like an obvious autocorrect mistake.
You are correct about "guard" being referred to as a singular unit, by the way.
Good start! I'm excited to see what sort of interaction Selena and Edwin will have in the future
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sun Dec 08, 2013 1:48 pm

Awesome. It makes me glad to see that this story is getting more reviews Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Mon Dec 09, 2013 6:08 am

Allow me to apologize beforehand for the second chapter. I wrote it over a full day and during that time  I was running a fever so the work may not be so good. I'll probably revise some of it or write a new chapter entirely to replace it.

Unless you all think it works for the story. If not then its not a problem to change it.
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sat Dec 14, 2013 9:09 pm

My sincerest apologies for not getting to chapter 2 on time.

In the mean time, I know you were sick, have you edited it yet or did you replace it with chapter 3?
I will review both either way.


Neck adorned with a fabric of red:
Also while I liked the scarves in chapter 1 too, I don't see why everyone is getting so worked up about them, it is a visual representation of social structure that is a common technique in just about anywhere. I'm sorry, but for a paragraph to be so repetitive and mentioned so much... I like how the scarves are designed and will be taking an important role in the story yet I feel like there will be something much more important elsewhere that will deserve the attention.


Last edited by Raven on Sat Dec 14, 2013 11:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sat Dec 14, 2013 11:32 pm

The Next Job The blueprint

Alright chapter 2. woo.
So right away you're describing these scarves. Aside from the repetitiveness, which just makes me uncomfortable in general, I really like this system. The solo red is definitely an important point but I wonder who these other families would be, and why would they even use the same system per say? Plus, what makes Edwin so special? Is he secretly the son of someone important?

Each family's insignia on the scarf? I wonder how easy it is to see when running from the guard lol
The different animals you chose makes me want to develop that one story idea I had (you know one of the ones where I have the basic idea but no clue how to develop it at all)

Okay, the leader guy is cool xD
The fact he prefers the freedom talking with Edwin and how you used an old favorite name of yours :3

I'm glad your fever didn't deter from the family rules. That is something if written not well would hurt the chapter. I feel like you did it well and I can't think of any other important streetrat rule.

huh? Why is he placed higher than the older members? I love when I ask questions and they get answered later.

I love the leader's reasons. Slightly disappointed you didn't take this chance to make your own currency for the world. "Pretty penny"

"So, what's my job?" "Sneak back into the place you almost had your butt handed to you." xD

so...sneaking into the castle at nighttime, main char's a boy, the princes is like the same age...I'm sorry, I'm totally thinking OoT

Gee the guy seems all confident in his second in command then he's "I don't want to hear of an intruder being executed in a few days" Dang.

Aww. Little Ninja, so cute

Edwin shouldn't doubt himself when contemplating. He could have glimpsed something that would help him out now.

And I am jealous of thieves' superior endurance.

secret passage, reminds me of many many things. I like how the person looks at Edwin without responding. and the safety release latch.

"Edwin was thoroughly confused and did not know how to respond."
I thoroughly enjoyed this sentence :-)

and Selena sees auras. Okay. Wasn't expecting that one. I like Edwin's color though.

Ah insert the human reaction. Seen only under the covering of course.

Alright, why does the passageways always connect to the back of wardrobes? Didn't that start with Narnia or somewhere?

Okay now I have actual critiques of thinking. I have no idea of whether this is just your fever or on purpose but in other stories you tend to have your characters give psuedo names until the person earns his trust, and Edwin just gives his name out immediately? Does he feel too smitten to think about maintaining his thief cover or it's obvious with the princess reading his aura she could tell he'd be lying?

Then princess giving boy a permission slip with her word on it...tell me it doesn't remind you of OoT -__- not a bad thing, just I'm shocked I could reference the game twice

lol. okay all done. Even with fever working in I'm quite pleased. and curious...really curious on where it's going. but pleased none the less. And because you were thinking at a much slower pace, I'm assuming from fever, your spelling and grammar really weren't hindered at all so I wouldn't have to proofread much for you.

Good job. On to the next one!
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sat Dec 14, 2013 11:53 pm

Our Leader

Edwin, how do you find yourself in those messes? I would say it is because of the writer lol

There's always gotta be something suspicious going on doesn't it? secret meeting.
So how much will Edwin over hear exactly? nothing :P

Cool, Edwin has enough respect to stop gang chaos

And I am pleased Ralph is a trusted voice among the group.

Yay another meeting with Valen (what do the members call him again thats not his name?) good luck Edwin

I like this chapter even though it's shorter. I'd like you to reread the last 2 paragraphs to double check some wording, I'm not sure what feels off there. Add in commas where needed too, in case thats teh only thing throwing me for a loop.

I'm enjoying the story though. Content wise I can't find anything that really messes up the feel. Carry on Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Mon Dec 16, 2013 5:17 pm

There will be a different currency for the story. Just the use of the phrase 'a pretty penny' is still used.
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sun Dec 22, 2013 12:30 pm

chapter 4

Edwin's Morning:
A Trip to the Bakery


This beginning works well. I just wonder what Valen's face does, just in case he actually hints to having secret plans or not lol

"This city will soon make a drastic change."
my thought: yea okay, that usually means trouble. Major trouble. *continues reading*

So Edwin slept roughly from what to what time? A full day didn't pass or anything right? Just that he would have slept through his day off.

I wonder how many days off in a year he tends to get

Ah bathing, the worst thing for one's mind -__-
And Edwin certainly had an interesting childhood

I like how even for a rogue, a thief, gang member, whatever you want to label Edwin as, there are store keepers that still trust him.
And mmmmmm bread *drools*

The details in the bakery are well thought out and I'd say fairly accurate.
I love generation spanning friendships. There's always nice in stories. I would like to see a return of this friend, and I hope no problems occur to him when the story gets crazier later on. lol.

Ah, so fate has provided another chance for Edwin to meet Selena.
...okay ;-)

Enjoyable chapter as always
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:28 pm

A full day did pass. It was still morning when Edwin returned to the safe house from entering the castle. He talked to Valen after breaking up the fight then slept for pretty much a full day.
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PostSubject: Re: Currently unnamed discussion area   Sun Dec 29, 2013 12:51 am

The Royal Trip to Market

~Hey guys, I don't have to be the only one to review xD it's a cool story, state your opinions lol~

K, this opening reminds me of Port Royal. I still like it of course.

These assassins were definitely interesting. I'm curious whose the person that sent them.

Selena being the typical response, can we do this any better?
and "common folk" blech, how insulting!

yea okay, I should have done better but I didn't expect that one assassin guy behind him. I thought it'd be a friend that'd say "what cha staring at?" or smthg xD

I know it's the thing you put in the story, but for surviving a five story drop, Edwin is boss

and i see the stall worker provides a bit of comic relief. real nice there.

I didn't bother trying to comment on the actiony part step by step. honestly it was too interesting.
I like each portion of it, from in the street to the arrow brigade to the alleyways.
Towards the end, im only thinking "how fitting for the royal family to be reduced to sewer rats" :-)

Next chapter I'm guessing will start from the perspective of Selena.

Proofreading wise, you like to forget the apostrophe in the possessive Edwins. There weren't any other things that really stood out to me and obviously I love the content ;-)
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