Contemplation

As I sit here, I sometimes contemplate who I really am.

It is indeed true that everyone sees each other differently. Some people may think a person is the worst creature in the world, while others will say they're truly a sincere, nice asset to this thing called life. To get the best image of who one truly is would not to be looking for the thoughts and opinions of others. Their thoughts are flawed, since they themselves are not truly in tune with their own fate. 

So how does one meditate on their fate, which is hanging by a single thread? To know if one is saved or doomed, is it impossible? Trying to evaluate yourself brings to mind the worst in you- those horrible visions in which we try to forget, but they can not go away. The images and voices of those faults repeat endless and beat us down. They drive us into our graves, knowing that we can not go back in time and erase the foul act. The more I try to forget my past, the more it rebounds and stings into me. It's like a scar, never fading, and marked on my heart forever. 

To look at one's skills and accomplishments by himself would result in excessive pride. The ability to boast about oneself is certainly pleasureful; we all like to let the world be in the light about what we can do. It would be certainly a horrible act indeed to hide one's true identity, confining it, being some loathsome creature that stands on the sidelines. No wonder when we hold in our accomplishments we are under-appreciated; but when there is an excess of pride, criticism of arrogance arises.

Perhaps these judgements are a result of bitter envy, unending jealousy, and anger. No one likes to see that someone else is better than them, or has the same talents. This adds more wounds onto one's mind, thinking about how someone is better. When we are the ones criticized, we like to think those people have no taste. We also believe they are inferior and their opinions should not matter.

Then what, may I ask, should a person do? Not taking pride in oneself is certainly not the answer, because we would wither away without being noticed. There would be absolutely no encouragement to succeed if one does not display a certain talent and skill (and knows it). There would be no direction, no goal, nothing but the inability to achieve a dream.
But if the excessive boasting and being in the faces of others, how can we be appreciated? People will turn to those negative feelings, and admiration turns to hatred.

To understand yourself, and to understand the actions of others is truly a remarkable question. To try to look into my heart and see what is there can be hard. There's a fine line between making yourself feel good and depression. What counts on my soul as a good deed? What counts on my soul as a bad deed? The differences should be clear yet they are both acts we undergo, and the perception we have of each depend on one's morality.

So back to the previous point, no one can undo their past actions. We also must think about the future actions. Realizing this, I keep on seeing where my soul has took a turn for the worse.

I want to say goodbye to the demon side of me, and keep the good things. I want to turn all of the loathsome things I have done (or undergone) into dreams and keep all the great accomplishes memories.

To say "goodbye" to an old mindset and "hello" to a pure one is difficult though. After all, I still haven't figured out who I truly am.