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 Ali's Feedback

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Alisaur
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PostSubject: Ali's Feedback   Thu Jan 29, 2015 2:16 pm

Hey all, so Dusk has told me some people want feedback on stories. I am really bored so every so often I will put up my opinions on something for you to comment on. If you have something you really wish comment on or advice let me know so I get to it next.
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Alisaur
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Thu Jan 29, 2015 2:52 pm

“You’re….a girl?”

I like how the portly man was so infused in his orders he noticed the dress but not the other feminine features. I'm hoping Adel and Max do not have such similar body types that the female anatomy wouldn't be noticed. Unless there twins which may be interesting.

If you haven't guessed I'm talking about Chivalry and Betrayal.

I won't hop into some of the strange sentences since you have informed me when you type for this site and when you type for professionalism it's completely different. Just some extra words in sentences that could be taken out to make them more understandable and better acknowledgement of whose speaking. I figured it out fine but I would of liked to be told I was right.

So let me say what I think overall. I like the concept behind this, I do hope the brother gets more involved after his recovery. Like almost an adventure on the side for him to find and aid his sister who is standing in for him.

I know you said you weren't going to put the whole thing up but maybe at least give me an overview of how to world is / responds to things would help put it in perspective for me. I'm guessing magic isn't supposed to be a common thing but without the heads up on how it influences the world I don't know how to react at the end part. If it's supposed to be like *holy crap it's magic* or *wow a magic user* or even *eh, this guy knows a few tricks*.

So hopefully this helps and I know this was posted a long while ago but I hope you didn't just let it go. Keep writing I would like to see more.
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Cat
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Thu Jan 29, 2015 8:52 pm

Alisaur wrote:
So hopefully this helps and I know this was posted a long while ago but I hope you didn't just let it go. Keep writing I would like to see more.

Actually, I have gained my epiphany for this story just the other day xD I'm not posting the entire thing since I'm in "drafting mode." Right now, I'm very indecisive about which character to follow, or if I should have multiple perspectives (there's a bunch of colorful characters I've come up within the past week). About the sentence structure, mine tends to be very choppy until I revise my work. I often add superfluous information or I don't express ideas well in the first draft, due to it being well, a draft.
About the end, I wasn't sure where to go, but now I do. I'm going to build the story up for now. I'm surprised you even found that draft because it is very old and isn't really up to par with what I'm doing now xD I'm still working out the basic storyline though.
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Alisaur
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Sat Jan 31, 2015 12:08 pm

“Hollywood. I repeat, when has a book ever actually hurt someone?” Liliah said ignoring her friend.
She turned the gritty paper. “Let’s see. What’s on this page? Oh this looks like it might sound kind of cool: ‘Asamuki ukeru shabadu, kojaku numo o dylani Risto chusiche. Harunka Zvara kikori tyto zoran bazonasa ikero’ and the next line just says ‘Shabuda maladuku.’ I’m curious what that means.”


I'm pretty sure this is the same thing said from several characters in several different movies and book just before things go to hell. I love it Smile

The Book of Mysuri is looking like a fun tale I could snuggle up with at night and read with some hot chocolate (if it's made by Vivian that is).

I like the two ladies, they bring a class and arrogance you don't often see in women in books. While they do come off a little strong at times I do like their banter. I like how you make it all feel like normal day to day living while bringing in the mystical. In the real world if something of this magnitude happened I'm pretty sure people would react not entirely as they had but would be in a state of half belief.

I am eager to read more and love all the references and symbolism in your story. I mean I'm guessing they are some sort of holders of some kind of magic that will be revealed later. Also I am placing a guess that at some point the kid (Thomas) probably betrays them for his former master but then realizes he has some sort of attachment to one of the girls. Thus trying to make things right but causing much strife between the group.
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Sun Feb 01, 2015 12:23 am

Thanks Ali!

I'm glad you like it so far, and that you'd want Vivian to make you some hot chocolate.

I'm sorry, I would have been posting more on it, but the parts I have written aren't yet in sequence, so I have some holes missing before I can continue anymore. I do have a lot of symbolism, but most of it, to my knowledge, isn't scheduled to appear until the next chapter. Or at least, the heavy symbolism.

Also, I'm a bit curious on what you'd say to me rewriting it, to improve on some points; they're reactions being one of them. I wrote that first part years ago. I would plan on including most details I already have in it. Now I know for sure to include that Hollywood remark. (I've rewritten that prologue though so many times, I aint touching that) However, in their defense, any my youth's eye, they don't see it as such a real threat at first, because of the wizards appearance, they don't believe it to be real, in a magical sense, they can just tell something's off. (again, wouldn't mind retouching that)

But thank ya dear
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Alisaur
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Mon Feb 02, 2015 9:27 pm

Raven rewriting it is a great idea, gives you the ability to add and subtract what you didn't like before and what you want to add now. Be careful tho because some people when they rewrite they lose the spark they had when they wrote it first time. Also for having missing sections. While it is good to have notes on where you plan to go and so on, writing ahead is often a bad idea, since then when you try to make the links you are forcing yourself to match them up instead of being able to travel how you would like. It's like instead of flowing naturally through your story your trying to get point A to point B and sometimes it seems linear and not natural.
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Alisaur
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:35 pm

"Muzan couldn’t shake the feeling that they were being watched."

Great way to start a chapter or section, gives you all the sense of danger and anxiety of the situation without even gong into detail. There are many sentences as basic as the feeling of being watched that add to a story greatly. If used correctly they are perfect, and in this situation you nailed it.

Howl of the Gathered

An action packed read that brings a graphic view to each situation. I would appreciate a little more explanation on the race of people and how they work and stuff since I got confused by several statements. You clarified for me when I asked but you need to remember the reader can't ask you for anything in reality and these things need to be easily identified or understood or else you lose interest. I don't mind not knowing what kind of magics and stuff they use but stuff that should be normally known, like what a person who your following looks like and such is helpful. The story is in the details. While I love the battle sequences I would like to know more about some of these people, especially Muzan, who makes a comment at the end.

"I’m sorry, Mara, my love.  It looks like I won’t be coming home after all."

While I'm sure thats passionate and sad, you really didn't even tell me what the guy looks like. I like how you described his mental status but if this character is important even to give your protagonist a enemy at the time I would like to know what he's up against. His cronies I think you did fine with, especially the parts with Kirio, he was well described and his parts were action packed and well explained.

In my full opinion, I like the action, it could probably even be less specific at times. I like your focus on the mental status of your characters. I think you need to set the scenes a little more, description of actual physical characters would make me happy. Also be sure to define things perfectly, if I couldn't catch onto it and understand, others won't either. Keep writing I like it, has a different change of pace and will probably hit a certain demographic more than others so figure out that market and play their song.

Final question. Do you plan on switching the speaker or perspectives from character to character all the time and keeping it consistent, or was this a one time thing?
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Alisaur
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Fri Aug 28, 2015 11:21 am

Well, I have talked to Dusk and after seeing all the messages from my favorite people wanting a return I have decided to become un-extinct.

Dusk and I have worked things out and have found common ground for how to behave on the site.

I will open up reviews again since that seems to be what people are wanting from me. As for keeping my own sanity I will be avoiding key members of the forum who can't seem to handle a critique. For those who can and want me to read things feel free to post below and give me a list of things you want me to look at first.

Glad to be back. Can't wait to read all the new stuff

-ALI *ROAR*
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Seek
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Fri Aug 28, 2015 4:14 pm

Ali!!!! Very Happy So glad to have you back! I would just like you continue your Sengoku Wars critique, since I enjoyed taking the criticism and trying to improve my posts.

As for anything else, I guess you could evaluate my Fire Emblem Warriors posts, as I am trying a bit more of a creative and descriptive side in that. Smile

And that would be it for now XD
To make it easier, just bunch my posts together after a period of time, or do what you please. ^^;
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Alisaur
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PostSubject: Re: Ali's Feedback   Sat Aug 29, 2015 9:50 am

*Happy Roar*

Yes Seek Smile I can totally do that for you.

I was catching up on Sengoku so I'll do that one soon. I remember a time I could guess your age from your writing level. I am happy to say that was not so easy this time. So I'm excited to see what another few months will do for you.

Not that I haven't seen progress in the others Smile , but Seek asked first Smile

*Excited Roar for Seek's writing future*
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